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Videos uploaded by user “The Onion”
Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
 
03:13
Two teens visit Today Now! in the hopes of finding their kidnapped friend and letting her know that their classmate is totally knocked up.
Views: 2005612 The Onion
Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'
 
03:02
Despite arguments against capital punishment, the Justices overwhelmingly approved its use, especially if they get to participate in some executions. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 2251159 The Onion
How To Channel Your Road Rage Into Cold, Calculating Road Revenge
 
02:54
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Defensive driving instructor Danny Preston says the best way to avoid conflict on the road is to execute long-term psychological torment on aggressive drivers. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Views: 1104312 The Onion
Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
 
02:31
Our Tech Trends reporter looks at the new gizmo Sony promises will revolutionize the way consumers become infuriated by goddamn blinking TV box things. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 7031472 The Onion
Situation In Nigeria Seems Pretty Complex
 
02:42
In The Know: Panelists discuss the complicated issues facing Nigeria or Niger. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com
Views: 642778 The Onion
Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters
 
02:55
Today Now! host Jim Haggerty consoles a severely depressed zoologist on the latest Critter Corner installment. More coverage at: http://onion.com
Views: 1031813 The Onion
Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall
 
02:36
Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1163691 The Onion
Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?
 
02:05
With the economy sliding deeper into a recession, panelists discuss whether it's time to stop throwing our money into a massive pit out in the desert.
Views: 999701 The Onion
How To Play Golf Against The Man Whose Wife You're Banging On The Side
 
02:46
On Today Now!, golf expert Jordan Ritter has some Pro Tips for maintaining a steady swing while hitting the links with your mistress' husband.
Views: 987945 The Onion
'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat'
 
01:51
Gen. McBrayer discusses how valuable homosexuals are, and why we must never put their lives at risk by allowing them in the military. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1933854 The Onion
Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
 
02:52
Did Jim's mom fail him? Watch an extended clip here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SExUqnyXJKY Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Views: 765575 The Onion
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine
 
02:20
Michael Falk interviews new prison inmate, disgraced financier, Brian Wasserman, and becomes spellbound by the repetitive monotony of daily prison life.
Views: 1264666 The Onion
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
 
02:07
Made by Pfizer, Despondex is the first drug designed to treat the symptoms of excessive perkiness. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 2031595 The Onion
In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?
 
02:18
Panelists discuss the many ways in which our educational system caters to students who try, care, are awake.
Views: 845277 The Onion
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
 
02:16
From the Onion Prison Channel: Prison analysts warn rising inflation could devalue everything from rim jobs to shivs.
Views: 1344340 The Onion
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
 
01:54
The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.
Views: 2196792 The Onion
Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked
 
02:46
Panelists discuss whether there is an epidemic among young people today who get stoked over everything from free keychains to tacos. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1688097 The Onion
Domino's Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
 
01:39
Despite ethical concerns about testing on humans, researchers say their work was necessary to determine the boundary between garbage and food. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1542949 The Onion
Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport
 
02:26
Business Week ranked the airport last in customer satisfaction due to long delays, bureaucratic employees, and overall oppressive atmosphere.
Views: 521440 The Onion
Is The Government Spying On Schizophrenics Enough?
 
02:20
In The Know: Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com
Views: 960309 The Onion
Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law
 
02:58
After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 777234 The Onion
Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes
 
02:26
Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.
Views: 805231 The Onion
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
 
02:27
A new Department of Labor report finds personal outsourcing is revolutionizing how Americans dont do their own work.
Views: 880441 The Onion
Obama Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
 
02:47
Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.
Views: 747649 The Onion
Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"
 
02:25
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Jim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Views: 834122 The Onion
Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart
 
02:38
A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.
Views: 806299 The Onion
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
 
02:30
Congress says that with no way to actually pay back our debts, faking a coup to eliminate financial obligations is the best plan for the U.S. economy.
Views: 752009 The Onion
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
 
04:17
Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.
Views: 849077 The Onion
New Live Poll Lets Pundits Pander To Viewers In Real Time
 
03:10
In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.
Views: 347738 The Onion
Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars
 
02:41
Disney claims its latest batch of child stars is so lifelike, youll barely be able to tell they have no souls. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1827481 The Onion
What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?
 
02:01
The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search. (Aired 11/18/11) Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 512895 The Onion
Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks
 
02:51
Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.
Views: 916212 The Onion
Town's Teen-Pregnancy Spike Due To One Impressive Youth
 
01:30
(From ONN on IFC TV, Fridays 10/9c) In local news from Pennington, IL, a handsome teen who owns his own truck is responsible for over half of new pregnancies. More local news at WONN5.com.
Views: 776653 The Onion
Perfect One-Pot, Six-Pan, 10-Wok, 25-Baking Sheet Dinner
 
02:07
Best part about this simple recipe: The potatoes, pasta, broccoli, dried chiles, beef, parsnips, beets, and all 12 sauces can cook at the same time. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Views: 583427 The Onion
Who's Fucking: Josh and Debra
 
02:14
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA In the debut episode of Who's Fucking, Josh and Debra tell the remarkable story of how they first met, fell in love, and started fucking. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video/
Views: 3304903 The Onion
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Talk With Mike Greenman
 
03:45
At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight.
Views: 1171893 The Onion
U.S. Shocked Andorra Not In Africa
 
02:04
The United States gave billions of dollars in aid to the wealthy European principality of Andorra, which it mistakenly assumed was a poor African country. More coverage at: http://onion.com
Views: 470272 The Onion
VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill
 
02:14
Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 2237892 The Onion
Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan
 
01:49
President Obama's proposed high-speed train system will be replaced with a fleet of buses that will rocket along highways at speeds up to 165 mph.
Views: 699408 The Onion
Back Of Library Smells Like Weed
 
01:44
Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Library patrons in Pennington, IL report that something definitely smells like weed back in the young adult section. Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1407517 The Onion
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
 
02:08
Georgia police were so confident Marshall was the man who killed young Janet Kelly in a state bear preserve, they didn't investigate other suspects.
Views: 1070041 The Onion
Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays
 
02:02
With the reconstruction of Ground Zero finally underway, anchor Brandon Armstrong invites two guests to discuss the progress. More coverage at: http://www.onion.com
Views: 492696 The Onion
Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election
 
03:00
Our morning show's political correspondent offers tips on how you can seem informed about politics without picking up a single newspaper.
Views: 906375 The Onion
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico
 
01:54
The DEA says Lil Wayne is an indispensable weapon against Mexican drug cartels having eradicated 40 tons of marijuana alone by smoking it himself. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1839485 The Onion
Anonymous Hero Donates Hospital 200 Human Kidneys
 
01:12
Hospital officials hope to locate the good Samaritan that dropped off a sack of human organs in the middle of the night so they can thank him. For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/video Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 1622010 The Onion
Are We Giving Robots Too Much Power?
 
02:10
Panelists discuss whether controversial decisions by the Robot Congress and President Executron indicate robots have too much control over our lives. More coverage at: http://onion.com
Views: 956351 The Onion
How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him
 
02:40
Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
Views: 971316 The Onion
Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish
 
02:13
Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.
Views: 2023024 The Onion
Experts Agree Giant, Bioengineered Crabs Pose No Threat
 
02:38
Panelists dismiss the notion that something could go wrong with the 75-foot-tall crabs that shoot acid from their mouths.
Views: 522755 The Onion
Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment
 
02:03
Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts to find out how many teens are illegally enriching uranium and selling it to rogue states.
Views: 431372 The Onion

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