HomeЮморRelated VideosMore From: The Onion

Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

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Warning residents that the blade was "super deadly" and "badass," city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUA Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonion Follow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion
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Text Comments (439)
Swago DaMan (1 month ago)
110 is great
Francis Zhou (5 months ago)
“It can easily cut a piece of paper or even an apple” yeah, WTF man, knife is made for cutting. People ain't all psychos who want to hurt or even kill each other.
Matt Locascio (9 months ago)
this is hilarious, i cant believe i never knew about it
koren jashua (1 year ago)
nice 110 i love that ,
chemoautotroph (1 year ago)
Lol good prank
The Tested X711 (3 years ago)
''There actually seemed like there was blood on the tip'' Lol
faty Mix (3 years ago)
Ha hahahahahhahahahahah
Little Holmes (4 years ago)
Sandy Coueffin (4 years ago)
Good sense of humor!
RespectMyPointOfView (5 years ago)
If you think Assad gassed "protesters" you're not very aware of reality.
RespectMyPointOfView (5 years ago)
Do you want a bunch of uneducated idiots who believe a bunch of lies they have been told to sway their beliefs voting and making rules? Democracy is a bad idea and that is why the USA was never supposed to be a democracy. In a democracy 51% of the people will take advantage of 49% of the people. Everyone will vote for a free lunch and a vacation and pay raise. Idiots will vote to ban guns and ban self defense.
RespectMyPointOfView (5 years ago)
You are an idiot. Educate yourself. Didn't they gas people in the occupy protests? Aren't the gas canisters used in Egypt marked made in the USA and they were talking about removing the made in the USA logos because it's bad publicity. Are you dumb enough to believe that "you" can arrest leaders that abuse their power? The USA isn't and never was a democracy, it has been heading that way and they are selling it as a good idea but it's not. Did you vote to add fluoride to your water?
tawmi (2 years ago)
If an ISIS fighter kills a US soldier with an AK (a Russian made weapon if you didn't know), does that mean Russia is going to war with the US?
187pitboss (5 years ago)
nooooo you think
RespectMyPointOfView (5 years ago)
Idiots like you are ruining the USA. Democracy does not work, Democracies suck. If you want a democracy move! Educate yourself and stop being an idiot! If you don't like the USA move, screw you and screw democracy!
CommentorX (5 years ago)
It's not the length of the knife but how long you can work the blade.
Christian Meyer (5 years ago)
coltrainjw (5 years ago)
A good old 110.
Nate Robinson (5 years ago)
Lol, I have that knife.
hbomatt (5 years ago)
I just inherited that knife from my grandpa. Bet its value just went up :)
Sir Galath (5 years ago)
oh cool, you are absolutely right sir, have a nice day ^ ^
Terminator1337CoolDude (5 years ago)
well.. not exactly the same ratio.. 88.8 to 45.7 out of 100, but its still on the insane level
waltermh111 (5 years ago)
Switzerland also has stronger regulations than much of the US and most guns owned are kept under lock and key along with the ammunition according to military regulation.
The Croaker (5 years ago)
why are there serious conversations going on on an onion video
Helointhian (5 years ago)
Police urge you not to approach the man because he may flip out and chop off both your arms before you even realize it.
Hollow Words (5 years ago)
your lack of basic comprehension is disturbing
Kharmazov (5 years ago)
Check Swiss gun regulations.They would make an NRA guy scream fascim.
JyL1 (5 years ago)
if that blade is 8 inches then so is my dick.
mrduckman225 (5 years ago)
The police made snake from escape from ny.
Richard III (5 years ago)
of course there has to be a government.how much government is the question.
78djinn (5 years ago)
XD there may be a man out there with an eye patch and access to one of these knives and possibly a samurai sword
Parralyzed (5 years ago)
...and your comments get dumber everytime.
42 -42 (5 years ago)
i think the video is about how media turns a little shit thing into a scary big one......like north korea and iran having one nuclear weapon each...and forgetting israel has 300+ with access to 8000 american war heads.....
Parralyzed (5 years ago)
You just succeeded in replying to a post that used sarcasm without understanding it, which in turn was replying to another post that used sarcasm, without understanding it. Good job retards.
Krombopulos Michael (5 years ago)
Guns won't ever be away unless it's democratically decided that is what should happen. Maybe the infamous AR will be harder to get a hold of but another similar gun will just replace it. WA is a fairly left wing state anyway (like Illinois and New York before them), the red states won't be passing this kind of stuff anytime soon. You could always hop states if you wanted one anyway.
Krombopulos Michael (5 years ago)
You could be more afraid of flying than driving a car, doesn't make it more dangerous or mean that law should be based around it. I don't live under a monarchy and the fact that you think that countries exist in a binary state of either legalising guns or being Orwellian is rather strange. If people here wanted loose gun control, they could pass legislation democratically, it's just that there has never been demand for that since the country was formed nearly 100 years ago.
Krombopulos Michael (5 years ago)
Switzerland also has mandatory conscription to actually train everyone to use guns as well as incredibly low levels of poverty.
robertatv660 (5 years ago)
To those saying gun bans won't happen...move to New York with an AR...Also several state legislatures are trying to bully bans through. A bill in WA state right now would make owning most semi automatic weapons already in circulation illegal. The gun grabbers are lying.
iknowchristalena (5 years ago)
Like he thinks the knife is like 8 inches long ya, reminds me of something else that was supposed to 8 inches long...
SeverdSeouL (5 years ago)
Not to mention the military is FAR better trained at killing people than average joe. Those numbers don't mean much when there is no coordination.
SeverdSeouL (5 years ago)
You forgot about the tanks, helicopters, ships, and body armor. Also if they see other Americans coming at them with guns, I doubt they would hesitate to save themselves.
Ungoogleable o_O (5 years ago)
Well, but that's still gun control, even if the majority of male, adult citizens are allowed to have a gun.
christiangoth84 (5 years ago)
I want my knife back.
Adam Hart (5 years ago)
The same month the Sandy Hook shooting happened, some guy in China literally killed 20 children with a knife going on a rampage. He didn't like have 20 kids locked up or something, he ran around killing people.
Ziltoid TheOmniscient (5 years ago)
I think buck knives should be more heavily regulated.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
The army has about 560,000 soldiers. Not all of them would be willing to shoot Americans. There are 100,000,000 gun owners in America. That's nearly 2000 gun owners for everyone in the army. They collectively own about 300,000,000 guns. Many of them are hunting rifles which are similar to older sniper rifles. Again, Air Force bases are lightly defended and not fortified. There was no plan for an invasion when they were built. 200 people with AR15s/bombs could destroy an Air Force base
robotpanda77 (5 years ago)
I know it is hard to understand for you. Go ask an American to explain it to you. And I mean a citizen of the United States not of North America, so sorry but you don't get to make that smartass remark you wanted to of being an American. So you will just have to resort to calling me a name like a little child. In fact, I have already predicted your entire lame response so maybe just shut the fuck the up.
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
The army is rather large, compared to every other army. Also, in this imaginary never-going-happen hypothetical situation, the military could easily recruit willing soldiers, and even conscript more beyond that. Second, using planes in a situation would not be viable. The best thing to do would be to send out infantry and ground units such as MBTs and IFVs. Third, even if planes did land to refuel, so what? Military bases wouldn't be penetrated by civilians.
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
Yes, it is. It seems you're just an alarmist. America, throughout it's history, has been filled with naysayers with opinions strikingly similar to yours. Here we are, over 200 years later, and still not an authoritarian state. There is not "so much talk of this now." There's ALWAYS been talk about how big and bad the government is.
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
Exactly. The problem is with American society. That's what I'm trying to say.
Sir Galath (5 years ago)
oh man i dont know how to call this, idiocy?, ignorance?, well whatever, i hope that was just some lame joke
goose1077 (5 years ago)
The army is small and spread all over the globe. There are only a few hundred thousand soldiers. It would be easy to defeat the army. By the way, I'm very familiar with the process of aerial refueling. I used to be an electrician on air refueling tankers. You want to know a little secret about them? They are airplanes too and they have to take off from a base and they also cannot fly for 11 years, non-stop. The fact is, there aren't that many airplanes to take out 9 million people
whogasa929 (5 years ago)
So sharp the shadow will cut you.
robotpanda77 (5 years ago)
It's because there are no criminals there because there is nothing worth stealing. What are they going to steal, the sheep?
Baked (5 years ago)
Right . . . I can't aim, as I wasn't planning on shooting anyone but I do know someone who could take a ten mile sniper shot to execute the target. Fact . . . Doesn't make sense, does it? Jets can refuel in the air as far as I'm aware though plenty groundfire towards any moron stupid enough to take on an army base will provide adequate cover for an easy restock of ammunition and fuel. Even in this imaginary war you can't think of over-simplified tactics to beat the actual army, again, good luck.
ad765 (5 years ago)
John Travolta from From Paris With Love?
L. Wolf (5 years ago)
Not sure on bazooka's but I do think the same thing applies Never actually tried to buy one, or a tank. But I believe you have to pass background checks and such for things of that nature. Most people that own them, are private collectors, war re-en-actors and stuff. Plus they are rendered "safe" such as cement poured down the barrel or plugged with solid steel cores. I think you can buy atomic bombs. Well the shell of one anyways. Not a active or live one. Like grenade.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
I don't really have a war strategy, as I'm not planning a war but I do know the people could take on the army. Also any ware between the people and the government would last longer than any airplane could remain in the sky. I don't know if you've noticed or not but America has been at war with a much smaller population for 11 years. I'm pretty sure all of the planes have landed and taken off at least once in that time.
Baked (5 years ago)
So you're going to hide inland and get done over by air support instead? Given it'll never happen anyway, I'm free to assume they won't give a fuck about collateral damage and have the ability for precise aiming anyway. While you're trying to blow up a stationary jet you may want to consider those already in the air and waiting on carriers, plus other air support and infantry all wondering just how much overkill should be dealt to you.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
I don't know if you noticed but America is a continent and not just some island that can all be attacked with ships. When you have a civil uprising, you can't just blast the whole land. Also, most Air Force bases on American soil are not fortified for invasion. It wouldn't be difficult to take out aircraft on the ground. Also, the airplanes are sitting on fuel tanks so the once you take one aircraft out, the whole damn flightline (parking lot) thing goes up in flames, fire shoots out of ground
Baked (5 years ago)
We get about as many stabbing massacres as you do school shootings I guess, oh wait . . . If only there were some type of authority with guns so as to always be one over on the criminals. They could be paid through taxes for helping to protect and serve the country. We can even give them non-lethal means of defense to avoid public outcry. Let them share the number for ambulances and fire engines incase it's an emergency too. The only problem is what to name this brand new and 100% original idea?
Baked (5 years ago)
Shooting a strafing chopper, good luck as it unloads hellfire on your dumb arse. They've got to take out the tank first, good luck taking anything if they're in a convoy anyway. Boats can shoot to land with cannons, good luck shooting back with your pellet guns. I also ignored subs that have surface to air missiles, good luck with whatever you plan on doing with them Once again, I'm not talking about your petty stockpiled assault rifles or RPGs. It wouldn't be a third-world uprising dipshit.
Ungoogleable o_O (5 years ago)
Because they have mandatory conscription training which makes you a reservist once you complete it, then you are able to have a gun. I bet most psychos get filtered out there (there is a medical checkup before the training begins, oh and since not-so-long you can do community service instead).
Ungoogleable o_O (5 years ago)
Not all citizens can be part of the conscripted army (militia), why should all be able to have "arms"?
Ungoogleable o_O (5 years ago)
Too bad stabbing to death is much harder than deadly shooting someone.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
It's not ludicrous. Have you not been paying attention to the events of late? America is in the process of transforming into another kind of state. It is not the place it was 15 years ago. This is why there is so much talk of this going on now. In New Orleans, there were enough government zombies to attack the people and to follow unconstitutional orders to seize (steal) their firearms. Some went home but none stood up for the people.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
I don't see what's so hard for you to understand about history. .50 caliber rifles can take down choppers. During a war, people can acquire weapons for taking out tanks, most of America is not at sea, and history is full of tyrants who first seize guns before going on their killing spree. If guns were not a treat to tyrants, why do they bother taking them? would not go rouge? Are you living under a rock? Have you not been paying attention to the world?
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
And Brits love stabbings. No access to guns just means crimes by different means.
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
It was always extended to citizens. They extended it to mean it supports ownership of guns outside of the purpose of a militia (which it was originally intended for.)
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
That's probably more due to British society than anything. Switzerland has a much lower gun crime than the United States, and about the same ratio of gun owners.
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
I understand the hate for the guns laws. But using stupid excuses like "rogue government" isn't a good excuse to not let the laws pass. And no, I don't support the bans. Other than the background checks and gun trafficking portions, I disagree with the bans. Besides, the bans won't get passed anyway. They're far too extremist. The background checks, however, are another story.
Jefferson Milbypants (5 years ago)
Why would anybody consider that? It's ludicrous. The government would not "go rogue." It would be damn near impossible for an executive to order the military to fire on it's own people. If ex-army wouldn't support the government, why would the current military? They breed soldiers to defend the Constitution and the American way of life, not politicians. Any soldier with half a brain knows that. Stop pretending like soldiers are brainless idiots that would purposely do anything for a guy in power
Baked (5 years ago)
Your constitution is meaningless in a rational debate. Just because it was written down doesn't make it right. Guns aren't the only way to defend yourself. So far the benefits specific to guns are that you've got a cool toy . . . on the downside you Yanks just love a school shoot up.
Baked (5 years ago)
That's tradition . . ? I struggle to find what's so confusing about this. Lets say you and ninety-nine freedom fighters try to take on an attack chopper, tank, jet fighter or even a thousand try to take on a warship, how do you think that'll work out? Rambo isn't a real story you know? Your insignificant firearms just pale in comparison to modern, top of the range weaponry. You're basically bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Baked (5 years ago)
I'm not stupid enough to think civilians could take on an army so I've given up on life? It's this sort of insight into the stupidity I'm dealing with which furthers my belief that you twats shouldn't be allowed guns.
josh lewis (5 years ago)
i agree. just recently, i was speaking to someone about that same issue. i told them that guns are needlessly dangerous and shouldn't be distributed among civilians. their argument was that a FUCKING GUN COLLECTOR shouldn't have to give up his collection. i swear to god it's not even about the rights, man. it's because most of these dipshits are thinking "duuuhhhh guns are COOL!" fucking idiots...
Mikkorama ASMR (5 years ago)
The benefits of you having a false sense of security because you think your gun could outshoot the military if it decided it no longer wanted you around is more important than the lives of innocent adults and children who are killed everyday because you are too thick headed to consider that maybe theres a huge problem with the way things are? The constitution can, and has been changed. And it should be again, because innocent lives are more important than your crazy paranoia.
Christian Lee (5 years ago)
The Constitution is supposed to be the highest law in the U.S. and will overrule any other law passed in the U.S.. The supreme court made a ruling that said the 2nd amendment extended to citizens as well. A non-Constitutional reason in favor of gun ownership would be that people defend their lives with firearms. I do not have statistics on how many people do and I will not attempt to find them because I have better things to do. But the benifits outweigh the losses as cold as it may sound.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
Part 2. You also have to consider that if the government went rouge and started shooting people, that not every member of the military would side with the government. You also have to consider that among the millions of armed Americans out there, many are ex military. There are many police who would not side with the government. There is truth to that "rifle behind every blade of grass" logic.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
It's not just a tradition. It's about history which has repeated itself over and over again throughout human history. In case you didn't know the AR-15 is nearly identical to the primary weapon of the army. The only difference is the rate of fire but they don't often use that rate anyway because you just run out of ammo. The middle eastern resistance has caused the US government to go deeper into debt. It is also a resistance much much much smaller than US people would be. continue...
crisco2416 (5 years ago)
Do you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning? With your attitude, why even undertake the struggle in this thing we call life. "I give up" is what I hear.
MindFlowersDotNet (5 years ago)
Baked (5 years ago)
So was slavery. Tradition isn't an excuse. As already stated you'd all be fucked in a war with your own army anyway. Rednecks with assault rifles could outnumber the army ten to one and they'd still easily kill you all. What do you think your pea shooters are gonna do against real weapons of war? How much has the middle eastern resistance dented the strength of the army? It's simply pathetic to even consider mutiny against the government as a valid reason to own weapons.
senorcrazyeyes (5 years ago)
Props, Onion News Network, props.
goose1077 (5 years ago)
It's not an excuse, it's part of American History. Read the text of the 2nd amendment. It's two sentences and it says right in there why the people have the right to keep and bear arms. In any cause, during the American Revolution 9% of the population fought. If 9% of just the gun owners in America needed stood up, they would out number the entire military 3 to one. Also, note: America has not been able to put out resistance in the middle east.
SaganNotPagan (5 years ago)
Of course, it can cut paper! And everyone knows paper beats rock.
Baked (5 years ago)
You're still not making a point here . . ? The government could issue a statement about when exactly it'll start the war on it's own citizens after giving them care packages full of javelin rockets, miniguns and better armour than the actual military. You'll still get shit on. "We need to be able to defend ourselves against an army" is a piss poor excuse for owning assault weapons. Have any better ones cos if that's the primary/main reason then I only see worse excuses to come?
goose1077 (5 years ago)
Also, I didn't say "sole reason," I said "primary reason"
goose1077 (5 years ago)
In America the people own a lot more than revolvers but the government is trying to limit our ability to own the kinds of weapons that could be used in war. I didn't spell all this out because you'd have to be living under a rock not to know what has been going on.
Baked (5 years ago)
I'm confused, the English view on gun laws are "hyper ridiculous" but the sole reasoning for the common person to own a firearm in America is defense against the U.S army which you seem to admit is very much ridiculous? I've given up trying to figure out the humour behind that comment and I'm resigned to do the same concerning you statements. What point are you trying to make?
goose1077 (5 years ago)
In America, the people decided everyone should have the right to keep and bear arms when your king, who was their king at the time, tried to take them from them. The primary purpose to own a firearm is to defend the people against a tyrannical government. How are you going to do that with a revolver?
The Azaroster (5 years ago)
The powers of the world are enacting a long-term plan of becoming a space-faring global society to explore the universe and link up with other star systems in our relative vicinity. It is a multi-millennial process. That is the big picture the average citizen will never understand. And so you must be used like a pawn to drive the process forward. Because like you said, YOUR sovereignty is priority number one. You must be prevented from ever attaining it if we intend to take our society further.
Marc Norton (5 years ago)
"Gun debate breaks out during knife video."
Baked (5 years ago)
Seeing this message in the inbox I thought, this needs context. Still not helping. What the fuck are you on about? Who the fuck are you trying to shoot in a pick up truck? Why the fuck does shooting your equivalent in a pick up truck matter? Where the fuck else needs better gun laws if it's only LA that goes mental? How the fuck would this forthcoming series of events have happened if neither of you fuckers had guns? Fuck. Get over your patriotic right to shoot stuff, It's boring and irrelevent.
horostitute (5 years ago)
not if you drive a pickup in LA
Baked (5 years ago)
We need assault weapons so when every other twat with the right to an assault weapon starts assaulting us, we can cope. I see a simple fix here . . . You appear to be missing my point here, I'm aware you don't need thirty bullets to kill someone, this is the justification your gun-toting compatriots give for having assault weapons though. When it's not just cos you love guns anyways, you're like modern day cave men, except the only people you're trying to defend yourself from are yourselves.
thegr8pulido (5 years ago)
A modern world doesn't work that way? We Americans fought a war to ensure that we the people could become sovereign entities above any king or state. This reality has been eroded, but it will return in time. I am not alone. I am not, nor do I wish for any part in any totalitarian system. I will be free, and I will continue my search for freedom to all my countrymen. When you reach the point where your rights become privileges, and you have to ask permission to mind your own business, it's time.
Baked (5 years ago)
Nobody draws a gun at the first sign of danger? Well aren't you fucking stupid? I know for a fact that unarmed people have been shot in the name of self-defence so kindly take your bullshit elsewhere. Keep up with how people are trying to justify their use of assault weapons, I'm saying the opposite. Guns don't cause chaos? Try going on a school stabbing spree, accidentally killing someone because you missed a punch or being killed by a child who didn't know what he was even doing.
thegr8pulido (5 years ago)
Citizens actually do own tanks. They're just damn expensive and rarely sold on the surplus market. It's not the armored vehicle that's restricted, it's the guns that exceed .50" in bore width. The people aren't to be babied. We broke away from England to stop that shit. Among other things.
thegr8pulido (5 years ago)
You're basically saying that something that doesn't exist somewhere is less likely to kill someone. You're a bloody genius. Did you know, that more people are killed by Californians in California than ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD? THAT'S TERRIBLE.
thegr8pulido (5 years ago)
In a country of over 300,000,000 that stretches across an entire continent, and farther, I'd say that's rather good. Are low class kids going to bring guns to school to prove they're tough guys? Yes, but no one's talking about doing something about gang violence or the allure of drug money to our kids. The shootings will continue while we continue to glorify them. Recently, a former cop, killed 3 people, and the police in return shot 3 people they thought were him. I'll keep guns unregistered.

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